dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
