so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
