you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
