I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
