I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
