and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
