It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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