The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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