It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
