3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
