i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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