I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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