my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
