I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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