in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
