Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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