You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
