You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
