I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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