Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
