We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
