I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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