My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize