sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
