I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
