we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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