In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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