I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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