So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
