So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
