I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
