dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
