3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
