my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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