it hurts more in the daytime
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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