i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
