When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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