I wish I could teleport
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
ok first of all what the fuck
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
