im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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