The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
