You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
