between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
