This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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