Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
