whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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