Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
