oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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