I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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