So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
