I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
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