I wish I only lived at night.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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