I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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