her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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