i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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