If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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