I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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